The Mary Jane Syndrome

Being labeled a "strong black woman" used to be a badge of honor.  A "strong black woman" takes on every battle life throws her way, while smiling with all thirty-two teeth, wearing 6 inch heels, a brief case on her shoulder, a baby bottle in her right hand a spatula in her left while on the phone listening to someone else's problems, when deep down she knows that she's actually the one that needs to be laying on somebody's couch, airing it all out!

It's funny because a couple weeks ago when I threw this particular outfit on, I was dealing with some internal struggles myself.  Now, add in my homemade, bone straight wig, red shoes and matching red clutch, when I looked in the mirror I immediately felt like Mary Jane Paul, from Being Mary Jane!  I can relate to Mary Jane, because on the outside, she always looks like she has it together. If you've watched the show on BET, you know when she walks into a room her presence demands attention. She has the perfect physic and is always rocking fashion forward designer threads. Ontop of all that, she has the high profile, well paying job and lives in an extravagant home.  On paper and in front of the world she appears to have the perfect life.

What I love about the show is you see Mary Jane's insecurities, her faults, her desperation, her anger and her shame.  "Strong black women," mask so much pain just to prove to the world that nothing can defeat or weaken us. No matter how traumatic, tough or painful a situation is, I will not allow myself to miss a beat.  There are no "time-outs" for me.  I tell myself to keep smiling,  cry only when those around me are sleep, and lie to myself that I'm good, when I know damn well I'm not. The more I write the more I really think my appearance is my disguise. I need to look like I have it together, when Lord knows there are plenty days I really don't.

Don't get me wrong, God has blessed me in so many ways and I am grateful for all he has given. I'm talking about the day to day grind, the grit if you will, and how overwhelming it can all be.  Lately my biggest struggle has been the transition from one to two kids, while being a full-time employee, wife and aspiring entrepreneur.  Trying to make sure I give each aspect of my life the appropriate attention without feeling like I'm neglecting my children, husband, job and my own personal dreams of success.

There's really no simple way to say it, It's hard out here in these streets!

Tardiness. Any article you read about habits of successful people you'll see that they wake up early and they are always on time.  Unfortunately, I haven't mastered either one but I do not like to be late nor do I find it acceptable.  I absolutely hate the fact most mornings I'm huffing and puffing to get out the door and drop off both kids.  Even in the rare occasion I pack things up at night, my one year old loves to poop as soon as we're headed out the door.  As much as I'd like to tell myself that having two kids is a great excuse to be late for work, it really isn't.

Submission.  With my husband having a more senior role at work, he has more meetings he can't miss. He also has a team that reports to him so he is accountable for others beyond himself. This means when the kids are sick, mommy's leaving work to pick them up.  This one is a double whammy for me.  Yes, moms are generally the "nurse" to their children by nature, but I won't act like it's not a hit to my ego since I always pictured myself to be that independent, career focused women, but reality is, my kids have to come first.  One thing people don't tell you before having kids, is that you really do give up pieces of you.  There's no room for selfishness, when duty calls you must submit to your family.

Priorities.  Momma "D" was famous for understanding her priorities, she was quick to tell us "In that order!"  Me, not so much.  After God and family, I'm stuck.  I tend to try to give everything I work on the same amount of weight and this is so unrealistic and is a huge component of my stress.

Pressure.  In high school I was in everything:

• Minority Student achievement network
• Reading tutor for ESL students
• Captain of Varsity Basketball
• Editor of the opinion column
• Senior Class President
• Swimming
• Orchestra
• Track
• Quest

As I reflect back it makes total sense why I still have this natural urge to do a zillion things!  The pressure comes when it's not enough to just be apart of something,  I feel like I have to be the best.  I think I took on more and more hoping to break the chain of being good at all things but never THE BEST at one thing.  I wasn't the star player on the basketball team.  I could never get first chair in orchestra.  I wasn't the last leg on our 4X100 relay team.  I was always searching for my niche and to this day I believe I still feel the pressure to find that one thing Kesia King is the best at.

Karyn Washington

After hearing and reading about Karyn Washington (blogger/activist) and Titi Branch (co-owner of Ms. Jessie's natural hair care products) both of whom committed suicide, when they seem to have had everything going for them, it started to make sense.  So many of us are afraid to show weakness and we tend to take on this superwoman/superhuman complex.

After reading articles like, "The Truth Behind The Strong Black Woman Stereotype" and "4 Ways Strong Black Women Syndrome Keeps Us Poor' I am further convinced that this syndrome will start making more of us sick both mentally and physically, if we don't start talking about it openly and make the appropriate efforts to change.

Titi Branch

Once upon a time I would never imagine hearing or witnessing young black women committing suicide.  Yet as I've grown, I've been slapped in the face with challenges ranging from having a baby out of wedlock, facing unemployment at a time I needed money the most and worried about being able to make my next rent payment. I also experienced dealing with identity issues and having a child in the ICU for a month after delivery, the list goes on.  I'd be lying if I said I never contemplated the idea of giving up.

Life is so much more than stupid accomplishments. It's more than being wealthy and having a senior title.  It's more than passing an exam or closing on a deal. We can't go around thinking we can solve everyone's problem, pay everyone's bill, bail out all our hommies.  At some point we can't support every need a family member has, we have to let our kids grow up even if that means giving tough love and telling them it's time to move out of the house.  That partner that's living off of you, needs to go! If they're not making you better the truth is they're stifling your growth.

Everyone of us is wearing some sort of disguise.  Know when to take yours off!  Talk to another sister, to another brother, to your mom, dad, Godmom, husband, wife, child, pastor, counselor, whoever it may be in your life.  No one in this world is exempt from pain, no matter how good they look (laughing at myself).  Everyone has struggled with something.  As the saying goes, "No, is a complete sentence." Learn when to say no and when to move on, don't let the the Mary Jane Syndrome, kill you.

Love and blessings!

BEWARE: BROTHAS ON A MISSION

"BEWARE of  THE BLACK MAN," says the media 

I agree, BEWARE....

 of the rising number of black men earning advanced degrees, 

becoming leaders in their fields and giving back to their communities.

Unfortunately in today's climate, watching the news you'd think the only thing black men are capable of are being sperm donors, thugs and jail birds - which is why I refuse to watch the news and would much rather report my own.  This depiction couldn't be further from the truth.  What I despise is that these news stations tend to focus on very specific sectors of our communities (most often  inner city or areas that foster low income families plagued by poverty) and hone in on criminal incidences so much so - that it appears that's all that blacks are capable of.

I had a reality check when I studied abroad in Costa Rica my junior year of college.  I had a Tico (Costa Rican man) ask me at a bus stop "De Donde Eras?" (Where are you from?) I replied back proudly, "Soy de Estados Unidos" (I'm from the United States).  He looked at me dumbfounded.  He continued to probe and suggested I couldn't possibly be from the United States because black people aren't "from" there.  This man had never visited but believed he knew about the States from the movies he watched at the theaters and television shows he enjoyed in the comfort of his home.  I chuckled a bit, because he was right.  If all he saw were major movies like Bond and television shows like "Friends," I couldn't blame him for thinking black people didn't exist in America, because at that time in 2006 we weren't represented much on the big screen.

Another way to think about this, if I were white and grew up in an all white neighborhood, went to an all white school and all my friends were white, and all I knew about black people was what I saw on tv, what would I think?  Scary thought, right?  What's even more scary is that this is the reality for thousands of Americans!  I believe this is the biggest culprit of racism, pure ignorance, and I mean this in it's truest form.

The definition of ignorance, according to dictionary.com is "lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact."  So where am I going with this?  This post is to give you a very, very small glimpse, into the black community that is very rarely publicized.  Yes, we have one month out of twelve that highlights the same famous black people over and over and over  again! But there are so many others that continue to raise the bar, right now in the present, and I'm going to shout them out as loudly as I can.  This post is dedicated to the black men that have had all odds and bets placed against them starting from birth but have still managed to be extraordinary in their endeavors! 

What makes me most proud to highlight them are that these are men I know.  Men I lived next door to, sat in class with or met by accident lol.  The point being, they are real and they exist and everyone should be aware that there are many more like them!

Joseph T. Bonivel Jr., Ph.D

A friend of mine that I met while studying at the University of South Carolina - Columbia was recently featured in an article for "BE Modern Man: Meet The Researcher Joseph T. Bonivel Jr., Ph.D."  Let's talk about impressive - this man is only 32 years old and he holds a Bachelor and Master of Science degrees in Mechanical Engineering and Biomechanical Engineering from USC and a Doctorate in Mechanical and Materials Engineering Science from the Univ. of South Florida.  He is currently a Senior Research Engineer in the Defense and Space industry.

Joe believes strongly in the importance of giving back through mentoring and is one of  the board of directors for ManyMentors, a nonprofit encouraging minorities and women's interest in pursuing science, math, technology and engineering.  

Archange Antoine, M.A

I randomly bumped into Archange on the USC campus back in 2005 and despite the fact he didn't even attend the University he actually saved me from being hit on by an intoxicated party-goer! As I sit back and reminisce it seems Archange has always had it in him to help, support and encourage others.  He was a great friend and spiritual mentor to me, so it didn't surprise me at all when I found out  he was recently elected as President of the Roselle Board of Education!

Archange earned a Bachelor degree in Law & Justice studies from Rowan University and a Master of Arts in Corporate and Public Communication. He's also a Black Caucus Chairman for the New Jersey Young Democrats and on the Rowan University Alumni Board of Directors.  His passion for people, politics and policy has been evident in his pursuit to represent the Roselle Public School District at the highest level.  His mission is to improve the quality of life for low income and middle class people through the promotion of education and academic excellence.  Archange's main objective is to be an example and help cultivate the next generation of leaders for the state of New Jersey.  Learn more about his initiatives and what he's doing to give back to the community here and be sure to "Like" his page and show support.  

Austin Brown

It's only right that I mention Austin Brown being that the NBA draft is right around the corner! Austin and I attended Evanston Township High School (which produced some of the best and brightest I might add) and we both participated on the school's varsity basketball programs.  Austin went on to play ball at DePauw University and as a senior was a first team all-Southern Collegiate selection. He took his game off the court after graduating and into the agent realm, as an agent with CAA sports.

Austin was recently listed among Forbes magazine's "30 under 30: The Sports World's Brightest Young Stars."  He earned that spotlight by representing 3 top - 40 NBA draft picks. According to DePauw news, "In 2014 Brown was responsible for signing two top - 40 NBA draft picks, Michigan State's Garry Harris and Michigan's Glenn Robinson III.  In 2013, Austin signed No. 9 overall selection Trey Burke, who went on to earn NBA All-Rookie first team and finished third in rookie of the year voting."  Austin is a great example for the young guys aspiring to become professional athletes.  We all know it's extremely competitive to make it that far but there's so much more that former athletes can do beyond actually playing on the court. If they have a good education in their back pocket the opportunities are endless!

James Hunter, MBA, MPA

Speaking of education, it is so crucial for us and even more important to recognize those that strive for academic excellence, because it's not easy and definitely not a cheap endeavor!  We all know we have to work twice as hard to simply get on the same level as some of our sisters and brothers from another mother so we should give credit when credit is due, even when it's not requested.  I've known James since elementary school and he's always been an overachiever.  No, really his academic ambitions are evident in his accomplishments.  James is currently a Commodity Manager for Airport Services Procurement at American Airlines.

James graduated from the Univ. of Illinois - Urbana Champaign with a Bachelor's Degree in Aviation, Human Factors and provided flight instruction at the university in compliance with FAA regulations.  James then went on to graduate from Kennesaw State University with a 4.0 MPA GPA, earning his Master's Degree in Public Administration.  However, that wasn't enough for Mr. Hunter, he also earned an M.B.A in Operations Management and Supervision and was a member of the Golden Key International Honor Society.

It's important we share the accomplishments of our brothers and show those coming up that we are better than what is portrayed on t.v.  Our black men are scattered throughout the United States and are doing amazing things across the nation to add value to our society.  We have to take it upon ourselves to promote and uplift each other because if we don't no one else will.  If you know other's that deserve a shout out please don't hesitate to send me their info and I will surely provide them with the exposure they deserve.

Email me:  kesia.king@gmail.com

What Mike Brown Inspired That a Guilty Verdict Never Would

A day after the Mike Brown verdict:

As the day went on I grew more angry and more confused. After reading post after post on Facebook my anger turned to anxiety and then I felt the slow roll of a solitary tear that tasted like no other tear I've cried before.

My tear isn't just for Mike Brown or the other brothas being killed unnecessarily...mine fall from the uneasiness I'm feeling after watching video after video of the looting and reading the written reactions that bleed of hate.  I see self hatred, us blaming us for bringing this all on ourselves.  People feeling like things will never change and never get better.  I cry for those that have no hope, those that don't believe we have role models, those that fear police, and no longer believe they are here to protect and serve but rather kill and justify.

As a Sista I don't embody the same type of fear my brothas do, I don't worry as much about the brutality.  Although I'm brown skinned at least I can lean on my womanhood as a way to avoid some of the unjust stereotypes and behavior black men often experience from people of the opposite race. Hell, even the President of the United States can't get a break so who'd ever think a "regular" black man could ever see a day where he isn't judged by the color of his skin.

It's as if we put on this threatening black mask, crawl out from the shadows and spook those that do not look like us.  We are monsters, savages, aliens that do not speak the Kings language so we are treated like animals. We are watched, hunted, shot down...we are prey, we are game.  Is this a game?  It might as well be.  We sit, hundreds of thousands sit and spectate videos and reenactments of black men being slain. Some boo at the sight of injustice while others cheer silently. At the buzzer, the jury decides a verdict and more often times than none, fans of "team black" end up with our heads buried in our hands. Loser, the one word we strive our hardest to never embody because since we were little all we've known in life is that by any means necessary we must prove that we are not losers.

Is it just me and my wild imagination or does it feel like our white brothers and sisters seem to have been born winners and have to do something catastrophic to get to loser status.  Yet black women and men are pushing, shoving, kicking and pulling to make it to the top.  Some try to reach the top by any means necessary and as a result end up dead or in jail.  Others grind it out, find open doors and let themselves in.

This blog was supposed to be about fashion and hair but I want it to be more than that.  I'm a fan of team black and I know a lot of successful black people. I know entrepreneurs, Ivy League graduates, scientist, engineers, models, businessmen and women, politicians, educators, musicians and the list goes on.  This blog will be a platform to expose the truths about our people in a way that is rarely ever publicized.

Help me give the world black role models, we are them and we need to be seen, our stories need to be published and I want to write them.  If you are successful and/or working towards it email me your story and some pics and I'll feature you on my blog.  This will be something I and everyone else in the world can DIGG!

Kesia.king@gmail.com